| ciao for now |
[Dec. 10th, 2003|11:30 pm] |
I've been feeling detached and extra angry lately. I also feel like I've been hearing too much gossip- so that's it. I asked people to stop telling me things, and I'm discontinueing my LJ. I am too curious. I can't just ahve a journal and not read other people's.
It is disgusting.
I can't help but hate people for their idiocy- and though it's entertaining, really I don't think it's healthy. I don't like the things I've been thinking about lately.
Everything is so petty and unimportant. i need to put things in perspective and get my shit together.
More Importantly, I can't even believe I continued to write here for so long. it doesnt matter what anyone says, it is jsut a way to exploit yourself. No matter how hard people try not to, everyone is just judging and making inferences about things that shouldn't concern them.
I feel exhausted by the amount of bull shit these days.
This post may or may not be my last.
I wish I could have more articulately explained why I've grown to hate this journal- because I do ahve a lot of reasons... im just too tired right now- and it's jsut not important.
neither are any of you.
have a nice life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2003|04:44 pm] |
eric took moni and me home. we smoked on the way. I was supposed to write this fucking paper, but I'm not motivated and I want a nap. I came home and ate penutbutter and jelly, and some ice cream. then my mom came home from food shopping and I ate a viggie corn dog. Now i feel gross. the corn dog was gross, idk why i continued to eat it- or even ate it in the first place. my tummy hurts. I just want to see shane. fuck this paper.
where is my love? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2003|11:20 pm] |
Shane came home today. he got me a giant card; it's really cute. I'm so happy he's home, I missed him. It feels weird though. the whole past week feels weird... idk i cant explain it, im confused.
my stomach hurts. I was really hungry and now im really full and feel gross.
I hate these short pointless posts of mine. I actually have a lot on my mind, I just can't figure out what it is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2003|11:25 pm] |
today was insane. our plans didn't work out as well as we'd hoped, but I did get some good things out of it, and we learned a lot. All in all, I had a pretty good time and there is a special suprize waiting for shane. I hope it makes him smile. I love him more than anything.
Shane comes home tomorrow. I really wish I didn't show my face in work today. Then I could easily say I'm still sick from sunday. This sucks. I need to find a way out of work.
- I also never did my chem work. If I don't get it from Marie tomorrow, im fucked. my beautiful 95 in chem will drop horribly... I'm the laziest person in the world.
and my dad is a peice of shit who thinks hes a real tuff-guy. ha! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2003|05:22 pm] |
im going to vomit.
last night was insane.
im going to vomit. again. |
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| It's official |
[Nov. 29th, 2003|12:42 am] |
I'm insane.
and I miss shane. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2003|03:41 pm] |
I'm hungry. We haven't eaten yet. i hope chelsea comes over later. I'm bored and I still haven't written that paper. I'll do it on sunday- if I have to work Ill just call out. Hopefully chelsea gives me an aderol for sunday- but come to think of it, if she gives it to me tomorrow at work, I'll probably do it there. work is going to suck tomorrow. I have lots of stuff to steal, and something special to buy. shhhhh.
I miss shane and I feel like calling him, but i won't b/c I've been calling him too much. it's only 1:00 there.
I'm bored.
I hate it here.
I hate that this school has made me so lazy and I can't even write a decent paper anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2003|10:40 am] |
I fucking hate it here.
it's thanksgiving in this blistering heat.
I wish I was at stacey's in NJ, doing the turkey trot- in the cold.
I really fucking hate it here.
I hate turkey.
I only love shane, and he's gone.
*sigh
im bored, and hot, and I still haven't written that stupid paper. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2003|12:22 am] |
Shane left for California today. I missed him before he was gone. Now I feel lonely and sad.
I haven't had a good sleep in a few days. I've been feeling very zombie-like... seemingly drifting in and out of reality and sadness. I can feel my eyes glaze over and my pulse fade, and I'm dreaming.
I worked today- a good instigator of these cloudy glass feelings.
Today I walked around pretending to put flowers away.
I imagined I was tiny and could fly around dancing on all the pretty flowers... another uncontrolled or premeditated trans-like daydream.
I also thought about retardation, insanity, time and distance, drugs and chemistry, and their complete relativity.
I'm sure it all sounds cheesey and nonsensical...
but realizing how happy I was with my thoughts so far away that I actually felt like I WAS dancing on silk flowers, I decided that complete happiness only exists with complete understanding and acceptance.
let go.
I have before. Those times are far and few between- forgotten.
and to you... what is happiness? -devon had some nice answers; I agree that all of those things would make me "happy".
but complete eternal happiness... the promised land...
i dont think all those exhillerating rushes you get from the ups in our roller coaster lives have anything to do with that. Perhaps we're all mistaken; what we should want is to understand and forget any social relation to contentment.
Only when we forget our egos, forget everyone else and simply look around, will we be able to see the simple happiness in all the ugly and boring things that surround us. When we can accept ourselves and our world, we'll see how "ok" it is, how it is special and nice.
the times I feel most happy stem from nothing other than simple appreciation having nothing to do with any other person. So rarely am I inspired and remided how little things actually matter. Those times are the greatest because it's then I am closest to living inside myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 25th, 2003|12:37 am] |
I'm contemplating discontinuing my livejournal. The only reason I haven't is its nice to mess with when I'm bored. Really though, my reasons for making a journal, and what I wanted out of it first place were quite different than what it's turned out to be.
this is nonsense.
im bored and melancholy.
and I don't feel healthy- still.
people are incredibly lame and stupid. My friends list pisses me off. The things people say- their naivety- their bullshit and lies- its grotesque.
and funny...
I love it when people say things like,
"You just wait and see, I'll be famous one day..." and blah blah blah.
yeah, sure you will princess- just like the other millions of people who are "gonna make it".
I love these superficial aspirations, backed my zero talent or hard work. I guess one day everyone will just be "discovered". ha- yeah- then you'll show us, huh.
actually, no- it will just be funny their overconfident hopes are crushed- when they realize they're 40yr old has-been trophy wives cutting hair in the edison mall, getting fatter and more wrinkled each day.
in other news...
shane has apparently had an epiphany- which is great. I'm happy for him that he's decided to put the bullshit aside. I'm proud of him. But honestly, the thought reminded me of my resentment toward this town for ruining my peaceful streak. It's not that I havent always thought the way I do. I suppose I've always been a bit of a cynic myself... but For the longest time I felt so untouched by all the
"bullshit"- and I've grown increasingly bitter about everyone and everything. I feel sick, overwhelmed, stressed, parinoid and too analytical. Sometimes I feel dead. I suppose a lot of people were just a big disappointment. Maybe with shane's "new outlook", I'll find it easier to see things in the positive light I seemed to used to recognize more often.
^I dont mean I'm never happy. I am.
I love shane and he loves me. I suppose you only need one person, an honest compainion you love, and who loves you. So I guess my life is actually pretty awesome. Probably more awesome than yours.
neener neener. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 25th, 2003|12:26 am] |
I just got home from work a little bit ago. I was hungry so I tried to eat carrots and dip, but the carrots were frozen so it was gross. Then I ate peanutbutter and jelly; now my stomach hurts.
I have a weird taste in my mouth.
im tired
i need to shower.
shanes leaving :(
im sad. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2003|09:30 pm] |
So today I received a really intelligent anonymous post. I just thought I'd share with everyone how stupid this person is:
"not for nothing but the gun to school thing even though you don't mean it literally is really DUMB to post on your journal. hope none of your enemies warp it and show it to an official....get it off your journal."
what the fuck does "not for nothing" mean?
My enemies? hmmm dont have too many of those...
to an official?! haha like who? The internet police?
This was not only stupid because their grammar is an embarrassment, but because the only thing that is "warped" is this person's mind- thinking an online journal is "evidence" and merits investigation. There isn't even any proof that online journals actually belong to the person listed as the user. And furthermore, of course the possibility that someone would actually take the time to "warp" something I, or anyone for that matter, wrote, would be taken into consideration... oh an also the fact that I was talking about a dream. I like how they demanded I take it out of my journal. "Yes sir! right away sir" like I would really concede to such an absurd, domineering request from this fool. Please go right ahead and alert the internet police... It will be funny when these "officials" laugh in your face.
cunt.
So I'll just ask one more question... why the hell do these retards read my journal? It really is humorous to notice the primitive emotions and behaviors of stupid people so preoccupied with the lives of others that they spend their time searching for their LJ and reading it, only to leave a comment that is an embarrassment to themselves.
Anyway, in a world that matters:
Shane picked me up from school today. We got his comics and came home to take a nap. When we woke up I made some boca tacos.
Earlier, Chelsea jess and I made a pipe in art class and smoked in the school bathroom. When we came back to class we were bombarded by teachers and students telling us we smelled of smoke and asking where we were. I just ignored them and worked on my project. Chelsea was seemingly nowhere… but everywhere…. And there was some very serious turmoil. People were yelling and searching for Chelsea. I really felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I couldn’t figure out what was going on, what was wrong. It was insane because usually we have some one to rely on to tell us what the hell is going on… but everyone was fucked up today, and we were all just making each other’s fears that something was terribly wrong, even worse. I was so paranoid and scared I wouldn’t have been surprised if the fucking FBI had kicked the art door down and made us all get on the ground.
Cat in the hat tomorrow! |
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| Today was a special day |
[Nov. 19th, 2003|10:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | shooting smack into my eyes | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I believe in a thing called love | ] |
Shane and I got sushi today. It was yum. We also got "red bean" ice cream. It was interesting, and I liked it.
then we had some more fun.....
Later we stopped by cd warehouse so shane could get the darkness cd. I hadn't heard them before.... their video really is the best thing since oatmeal with little dinosaur egg marshmallows. (does anyone remember those?)
anyway, he burned me a copy, and some aqua teen for my little brother.
awwwww hes so cute and thoughtful and the best boyfriend ever.
I love him.
In other news:
I fear I'm under attack. Since my ant exterminating episode, I've been parinoid and suddenly feel like there must be things crawling on me all the time. I've lost sleep over this.
Also, there is an invisable man living in my room again. There is a chance he may be the same one who was always there. I actually missed him for a little while, but he frightens me again- though I know he'd never hurt me.
the fucked up dreams continue.
I can't wait to sleep tonight.
I love shane
and marshmallows
but they are one in the same- aren't they. *nod in agreement* |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2003|10:49 pm] |
I love marshmallows
yes I do. |
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| boring- you people should really stop reading my journal. |
[Nov. 18th, 2003|09:45 pm] |
I was just reading some old emails.
People are such liars, it's funny. So silly.
I'm bored.
I have a pretty neat idea for the sketchbook Mr. Frank gave me, that I haven't started yet. I'm very excited; I cant wait to get these pictures developed and make these collages. It's a fun little story and I can't wait to see it. In other art news, my lamp will hopefully be drying out soon. It is actually pretty close to being done, but I wanted to add some unattached hands. The arms are uneven- purposely- but im having second thoughts about that. I thought it looked kind of neat, but that might just be b/c I dont feel like making another arm. It's gotten mixed reviews, and was critisized today. The bottom is drying out a little tonight- without a support, so hopefully it wont be broken when I go in tomorrow. If it is, I'm calling shane and asking him to come get me- because otherwise I'll kill someone.
speaking of which,
I've been having some really messed up dreams lately.
(1: I bring a machine gun to school and kill everyone,
2: I take **** *****'s head and smash it against a desk until it is a bloody pulp,
3: watching my family rip raw flesh off a dead bloody cow hanging from the ceiling, and then proceed to eat it.... idk the list goes on)
Last night I couldnt sleep due to the time release aderol and not eating.
It's nice to feel motivated in portfolio again. Josh's sketchbook was an inspiration to get started on mine. His art is amazing. I think I'm going to bring digi with me tomorrow, so I can take a picture of the mural he painted in ms. Rily's room, and some other neat things to keep me from getting lazy. Maybe I'll take a picture of my lamp in the greenware state just in case something happens to it.
as for my sushi/ green tea set for shane, it will have to go on hold for a couple weeks. Mr. frank is being a dick about deadlines.
Shane and I are getting sushi tomorrow. Horrayyy! I can't wait to see him/ eat sushi with him.
I also can't wait to have money so I can buy him little presents, and take HIM for sushi for once.
and also for white girl.
and a bunch of other things....
i want I want I want.
*sigh
I want jannel to find the book shane lent me that I left in her brothers car.
Shane came over for a little bit today. We had lots of "fun"
and fun... it was fun. He gave me a nice alk3 sticker from the show last night. oh he's so thoughtful.
I'm in a WEIRD mood. very WEIRD. So insanely WEIRD.
I love cats.
Except from stinky and snuggles- fuck them.
I have mixed feelings about how tired I am right now.
until next time.....
keep bustin those grapes kiddies. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2003|10:49 pm] |
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELSEA! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2003|07:24 pm] |
today was my first day of work. It was rather boring. I mean, it was better than steak and shake, but oh so boring- im not even going to get into it.
Shane took me to work this afternoon. We got coffee before I had to go in. There was this strange spanish guy (who actually looked hawaiian or american indian or something of that sort... maybe eskimo) muttering to himself. After Shane left he came up to me and gave me a pack of shock tarts that looked opened, and resealed, and said "you want some fiesta hora... you want some party today" or something like that. I said "no thank you" but he gave it to me anyway. He probably loaded it with GHB, or dropped acid on it. I threw them out, but I probably should have given them a try, maybe it would have made my boring work day more of a "fiesta"
on a different note.
It is irritating to find how rude some people are to my sister at times. Her little friends all try to make her feel uncomfortable with rude questions implying one thing or another. It bothers me because she is already insecure at times, (who isn't besides these self-absorbed airheads) and she really doesn't need a bunch of chunky, vain little bitches giving her a hard time. Really, they are just insanely jealous of her (which is understandable, I am too at times) and they try to make her feel bad to make themselves feel better... when really they should be exercising, or dieting- trying to concentrate on theselves and maybe losing a few lbs. It is so juvenile the bullshit they come up with to single her out and make her feel inferior.
*shes not* *shes so much better than you and you know it*
I also find it amusing that they "claim" guys. They really must be afraid of Moni, what competition she is. She could easily get anyone over these vain little chubbsters.
ha.ha.
anyway,
I made spaghetti and veggie meatballs today. I hope shane is hungry after work and has time to stop by and eat some.
I love shane.
My sister and my boyfriend are way better than your sister and your boyfriend.
so-ha. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2003|11:01 pm] |
By DAN FREEDMAN
Hearst News Service
WASHINGTON -- Quenn Victoria did it. Winston Churchill in his youth did it, and millions of peasant farmers in South America do it. So why not allow it in America?
Why not let people chew on low-potency cocaine lozenges or gum?
"Millions have used these products, and we have no evidence of harm associated with it," says Ethan Nadelmann, a professor at Princeton University's Woodrow Wilson School of International and Public Affairs.
"It may be less addictive than coffee."
Nadelmann and others who advocate changing the government's zero-tolerance approach to drugs want to create a weakened version of cocaine that could be sold over the counter as a substitute for the hard stuff.
Then potential consumers would have an alternative to crack cocaine, which is smoked, and high-purity regular cocaine, which is snorted, the way beer and wine are alternatives tohigh-proof vodka.
The idea of marketing cocaine-lite is not making much head- way at a time when the American public is fearful of crime and when the crime bill moving through Congress is promising more prisons and punishment for drug offenders.
But raising the possibility of such a product goes to the core of the debate over the best way to undercut criminal drugenterprises.
Nadelmann and others argue that low-potency cocaine might draw potential customers away from drug-trafficking organizations smuggling tons of cocaine from South America and violent street gangs peddling crack.
"If some people want to distill those products down to
something more potent, let them," Nadelmann wrote in an editorial with _Rolling Stone_ Publisher Jann Wenner in the May 5 issue of the magazine. "But most people won't want to buy it."
However, Herbert Kleber, a psychiatrist and a White House anti-drug official in the Bush administration, says low-potency
cocaine would not undercut criminal drug gangs because no one would use it as an alternative.
Now a vice president of Columbia University's Center on
Addiction and Substance Abuse, Kleber calls the idea of a
cocaine substitute "scientifically naive," adding that it
"totally misunderstands the reason why people use and misuse drugs."
Kleber compares the temptation of low-potency cocaine for the uninitiated or the recovering addict with his experience in quitting smoking.
"I smoked for 25 years and if i have just one, I'm back to two packs a day," he said. "It's the same with low-dose cocaine."
Dr. Andrew Weil of the University of Arizona medical school disagrees.
He says the widespread chewing of coca leaves among Andean peasants suggests that, in low dosages, cocaine is not addictive.
Weil also says that the product is good for treating stomach ailments and motion sickness.
"It's a shame that we've made disappear from our world a
form of a drug that has a whole bunch of benefits," Weil says.
Watered-down cocaine was common in turn-of-the-century America and Europe. Recently uncovered records in Scotland suggest that Queen Victoria and her young house guest, Winston Churchill, consumed cocaine-filled lozenges for sore throats and other maladies contracted while staying at Balmoral Castle.
At the same time, cocaine was an ingredient of Coca-Cola and several varieties of patent medicines sold in America. All that changed in 1914 with the Harrison Act, which banned cocaine without a prescription.
Drug-law defenders say cocaine was banned because it is
dangerously addictive.
"There are some genies you can't let out of the bottle,"
Kleber says.
Low-potency cocaine differs from regular cocaine powder and crack in terms of its purity level, and how fast and thoroughly it alters brain chemistry.
According to Weil, the coca leaf chewed by peasant farmers in Bolivia and Peru is half of 1 percent pure cocaine. By contrast, cocaine smuggled in by traffickers is 50 percent to 60 percent pure.
The effect of crack is even more intense because it is
smoked and its chemicals reach the brain in seconds. Cocaine
inhaled through the nose takes 30 minutes to be fully effective. Orally ingested cocaine in lozenges or gum takes an hour, according to Kleber.
John Gregich of the White House Office of National Drug
Control Policy argues that "the notion you can create a safe stimulant out of something as addictive as cocaine doesn't match our experience."
Still, the University of Arizona's Weil notes that decades of tough law enforcement measures against drug traffickers and dealers have "made worse what we want to make better, destroying the peasant society of South America and creating the crack culture in American cities." |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2003|10:44 pm] |
Last night shane and I went to St pete. We went to the Holocaust museum, ate greek food, and saw Coheed and Thursday.
It was a lot of fun. We didn't get back until around 2:00am, but my mom never even noticed I was gone- which was good.
Shane picked me up from school today and took my to my interview at michaels. I hope I get the job. I need money so I can shower my little shaney with gifts and toys.
I'm bored. I wish I lived alone. Or just without supervision for that matter. I'm bored. I feel like getting drunk and not going to school tomorrow. or even, getting drunk and going to school tomorrow. Maybe I just wouldnt sleep, get some things to keep me up and going.
Maybe I just shouldn't sleep for a few days, as an experiment... I would, but there's not enough to keep me from getting bored, and then frustrated with boredom, until I made myself so angry and upset that my whole world turned upside-down under a suffocating blanket of banality... at which time I give up and surrender myself to sleep- simply for entertainment purposes. Which brings me to my next point...
I've been having some especially fucked up dreams lately. Those I can't remember, I awake from with an eerie feeling. I've been freaking myself out so badly that I've been sleeping with the light on. I dreamed my family was sitting around with bloody cows hanging from the ceiling. They were just ripping peices of flesh off the dead cows, and eating it. It was vivid and the setting was beyond strange.
I've felt a strangeness lingering lately- especially today.
*sigh* I'll just continue to ignore the weirdness
I love shane. I'm going to call him soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2003|11:12 pm] |
I heard "What the Mood Brings" today. I didn't think I was going to like it, but actually, I really did. Though, it was odd, and a bit scary to hear my little shaney scream like that. I never even really hear him yell. I don't believe it's him. Oh but he is so cute. I'm sure he looks adorable when he screams.
cahalan sent me some funny freestlye battles he recorded with his "f-town crew". They made me laugh. It made me nostalgic. :( I want to visit. It reminded me of this one party I had. It got out of control, way too many people. Somehow kids from brooklyn found out and showed up. They started a huge freestyle battle with some of the Flemington kids. It could be heard down the street, they were so loud- but it was entertaining... I think I enjoyed it from what I remember of that night. *smile*
coheed and thursday tomorrow. fun fun.
i love shane. We ate tofu today. |
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thecoffeeshoppe's journal